


I can’t go on

by the_darkest_soul



Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Angst, Broken Simon, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Betrayal, Reunion, Saphael, broken raphael, slight mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 23:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13868499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_darkest_soul/pseuds/the_darkest_soul
Summary: ‘Is it right? Or is it wrong? I can’t go on, you can’t go on..’Helping Clary with waking Jocelyn up Simon and Raphael lost the most important thing in their life and they can’t stop thinking about it so one day when Simon just breaks, Raphael is there to pick up the pieces.





	I can’t go on

Everything was perfect right? They got rid of Camille, Jocelyn was alive and Clary was happy. Then why Simon felt like he made the biggest mistake in the world? Maybe because betraying his clan ended the relationship no one knew about. The relationship Simon was looking for all of his life and now it was over and there was nothing left than to move on but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Raphael looked at him when they were alone, the way he whispered Spanish words into his ear whenever Simon had a nightmare, the way he was stealing kisses when no one was looking. But now he was alone and even though he wished to see Raphael once more he knew there was no use. No chance for him to turn it all around. A single tear fell down Simon’s cheek.  
“Simon are you okay?” Clary’s voice brought him back to earth.   
“What?” He blinked twice and looked at her blankly, realizing he was in the middle of Institute’s main room with everyone gathered around him.  
“I was talking to you for past minutes and you didn’t respond. And out of nowhere you started crying.” Isabelle explained with worried look. “Is everything okay?”  
Simon felt his throat clench. He wanted to lie again, to say he was okay but no words left his mouth so he swallowed loudly.  
“Simon?” Jocelyn called and suddenly he didn’t feel like lying anymore so he cleared his throat.  
“No.” He simply said, loud enough for them to hear.   
“What?” Clary asked surprised. It clearly wasn’t the answer she expected. “Why? What happened?”  
Simon took a deep breath.  
“I’m glad that you’re happy Clary.” He said instead of answering. “I’m glad Jocelyn is awake and you can finally be with Jace but just because your life is getting together doesn’t mean mine too.”   
“We can figure this out.” Isabelle smiled comfortingly. “We can-“   
But Simon didn’t listen.  
“I lost him.” He cut her off. “And there is nothing you can do to help.” With this words he just disappeared using his speed to get to the docs where he was currently living.   
Simon closed the door behind him seconds before he slid down the wall. He just sat there in silence when he heard his phone ringing so he looked at the screen. “Clary”. Instead of hitting the decline button he just threw his phone away as he hide his face in his hands and started crying. It was a hysterical cry for help although he knew no one will come to the rescue.   
Eventually after a long moment he managed to calm himself, closing his eyes with head resting on the wall.  
Suddenly someone just came in without knocking but Simon didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t care if he was in danger. He didn’t care about anything.  
“Why did you come here?” He asked after realizing the intruder had no heartbeat.   
“Magnus called me. He told me you’re a wreck.” Male voice responded.  
“Why do you care anyway. I betrayed you. Isn’t there a death order on me or something?” Simon sighed still not moving. He was afraid he’d burst into tears while seeing the other.  
“Not anymore.” Raphael confessed making Lewis open his eyes.  
“Why?” He asked.  
“First tell me why Magnus was right. You’re a wreck.” Santiago’s voice was cold but Simon could see the worried look.  
“Every time I close my eyes I see what I lost. I see you... and it hurts. Just as much as burning alive. I know because I tried.” Lewis confessed. “After you told me to never come back I was devastated. Magnus saved me.”   
“You should’ve thought about it earlier.” Simon couldn’t believe what he heard.  
“Is that why you came here? Because I’m not really in the mood right now.” He growled at the leader. “Tell Magnus I-“  
“He didn’t call.” Raphael confessed cutting him off. “I lied.”  
“Why?” Simon’s eyes widened as the other sat next to him.  
“Because I can’t go on without you. I thought I was doing the right thing, protecting the clan. I was so focused on that I forgot about what I want. Why now? Because I’m tired of waking up to the empty bed. I’m done Simon. I give up. I forgive you.” Lewis didn’t move but he knew Raphael was close to crying. He felt it.  
“What about the clan? You’re the leader.” Fledgling just asked tears in his eyes again.  
“That’s why I could call off the order. They’d probably hate me for accepting you back but I don’t care. Te amo Simon.” Raphael confessed and that was enough for the other.   
He turned to look at the leader and saw a really broken vampire who didn’t remind him the Raphael he knew.  
“Remember when I came for forgiveness? When I was begging you to take me back?” Simon asked. Even though he put whole will not to let the tears fall, he failed. “You told be to never come back and I understood that and now you’re here. The same day I gave up on hiding my emotions. The same day I told everyone I’m not even close to fine. And I know I’m supposed to say no. I’m supposed to shout at you but I can’t. I’m too tired to do it because I know I won’t be able to live without you and I don’t want to. I love you too Raph.” He reached of leader’s hand and squeezed it tightly.   
Raphael moved closer, his hand rested on Simon’s cheek.  
“I’m sorry cariño. For everything.... Please come home..” He whispered looking into Simon’s eyes.  
“I forgive you.” Lewis whispered before connecting their lips.


End file.
